my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
