he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
