apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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