I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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