the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i now understand why vodka
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
