If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
