Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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