Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
