How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Your penis caused this!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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