I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
