is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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