I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
