4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
