you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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