I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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