I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
