i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
