He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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