no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
