he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
