Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
