im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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