the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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