Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
