it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
