I can't watch pbs sober anymore
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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