So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
