I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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