gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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