JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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