This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
True strength comes from lack of pants
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
