Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
