I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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