thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
