do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
