Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
