She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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