I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
