cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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