I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
