Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How does one acquire holy water?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
