i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
