So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
