the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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