he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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