the condom got lost in my hair
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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