If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
