I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
