Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
