How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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