when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
