Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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