You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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