I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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