Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
