So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
