Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
