my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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